The Blob and I

~spoilers ahead for THE BLOB~​

It's 1988 in my hometown of Abbeville, Louisiana (or as The Blob fans would call it, Arborville): A town that my mom describes as "not too big and not too small." This I agree with. 

I'm currently 9 years old and on the school bus.

I'm going home after what was probably a rough day as this is the same year that I vomited in the lunch line at school (long story) and also received my first C on a report card. The high school kids/cool kids in the back of the bus are excited about something. They're announcing that there will be a movie filming soon in Abbeville. They know this because there was a casting call at the high school for extras.

A horror movie! Here in Abbeville! A REAL one, with famous actors and stuff!

You need to understand my frame of mind here: Abbeville's claim to fame (pre-Blob) was THE OMELET FESTIVAL. What is The Omelet Festival? Basically, the town of Abbeville invites chefs from all over the damn world to come and stir a humongous skillet (with canoe paddles) with 5,000 eggs in it. 

You might ask, "How big is this damn skillet?!"

12 feet wide.

"Do birds flying over it crap into it?" 

Probably.

"Does the omelet taste good?" 

No, it does not (although Abbeville, and Louisiana in general, does have great food).

I digress.

So, we soon learned that the movie was going to be a remake of 1958's The Blob, starring Steve McQueen. None of us wanted to admit it, but we had never heard of that movie. Days later, my social studies teacher wheeled in the ole VHS player into the classroom and let us watch it. This is actually the moment where I knew THIS WAS A BIG THING. Nothing else could've derailed a 4th grade lecture on The War of 1812. Collectively, we weren't super impressed with the OG Blob (sorry to the purists out there). We were convinced that "our Blob" would be better.

And we were right. Here's why.

1: Chuck Russell (A Nightmare on Elm St: Dream Warriors) directed.

2: Chuck Russell and Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption/The Green Mile) wrote the script.

3: The absolutely top-notch practical effects. 

4: Shawnee Smith (Saw) as a kick-ass teenaged Final Girl.

…and now, the spoilers (although you really should've seen this movie by now).

5: Shocking death #1. Early in the film, we are introduced to the character who we THINK will be this film's version of Steve McQueen's character in the original. Handsome and likeable. The Blob murders this loser within 20 minutes.

6: Shocking death #2. The sheriff character, played by Jeffrey DeMunn (the actor whom everyone likes, and you are SURE will make it to the end of the movie) has his dead face (with eyeball falling out) displayed to his girlfriend by The Blob, in a telephone booth (I'm assuming you know what these are). The Blob then kills the girlfriend. This Blob ain't playin'.

7: Shocking death #3. They wouldn't kill a kid, would they? Yep. They would. The Blob even takes it a step further and flaunts the kid's blob-ravaged corpse 12 seconds later. I cannot oversell how gross and awesome these death scenes are.

So, the rest is history: The Blob came to Abbeville, destroyed downtown, then left.

Oh wait...one more anecdote. 

Days before the final taping, information leaked to the townspeople that The Blob's death scene/explosion was going to be filmed on one particular night. Predictably, crowds formed. One person in that crowd was Theresa, my neighbor. 

Fast-forward to weeks later. Some neighborhood kids and I are in Theresa's bedroom, talking about how cool The Blob was. She then reaches under her bed and pulls out a clear plastic bag full of what looks like wet, pink sand. 

No way. 

Theresa has some dead Blob under her bed. In a bag.

Everyone expresses delight in the fact that Theresa has a small piece of Blob corpse, then everyone leaves.

Except me. I can't. I have to touch it.

I reach under her bed and open it. That's when my clumsy kid fingers spilled Blob carcass all over her bedsheet. Oops. I hurriedly put as much of the Blob back in the bag as I could, then put it back.

Theresa, if you're reading this, it was me that spilled the Blob on your bed, which probably stained it. I'm sorry.

Abbeville, Home of The Omelet Festival​ THE BLOB

Jason Cavallaro

Twitter: @pinheadspawn