The Chad Factor Presents: Shark Night

***SPOILERS FOR SHARK NIGHT***

I'd like to start this in the right place; with friends and movies. These things have helped so many of us cope in this year of constant real-life horrors. I'm no different, and this is best represented by Rainbow Reel Revival, a movie watch party club that I formed with two of my best friends early in 2020, before life went sideways. We started doing this out of a need to steal some time away from the stress and fretting of daily life, and we succeeded. 

Now every Saturday, we know there's a comfortable couple of hours waiting for us at 8pm with a horror movie and good company (and sometimes other days besides; bonus reel!). It makes a vast difference to our lives, and I can't recommend it enough. Here, I'm going to bring you the experience of those movies as I saw them with my friends. I'm going to rip them to pieces in some cases, and point out where their saving graces.  I'll measure this with what I call the “Chad Factor”.  

One point is added for each Chad moment, one is removed for each moment that something good actually happens (like a killing of a particularly good Chad kill, or something anti-Chad showing up).

You might be asking “What is a Chad? How do you factor in for a Chad?” So let me explain. A Chad is that guy in a movie that you just can't stand. Maybe he's sexist, racist, homophobic, ableist, or just a plain old jerk. That guy that cheats on his girlfriend whilst his friends get murdered? Chad. The guy who trips his friend up to get away from the monster? Chad. The guy that wants to film his ex while sharks eat her? The Chadliest.

That brings me to my first foray into the Chaddening. As we wave goodbye to summer - and good riddance - I think it's time we look at the ridiculous mess that is Shark Night (2011). For the sake of space, I won't be highlighting every moment in the movie. Feel free to contact me for notes detailing the play by play. 

Let me tell you, this movie is Not Good. 

We open on a woman in a white bikini, and they make sure you see this from every angle. This is nothing new for horror movies, The first Chad Factor pops up less than 5 minutes in. It would be sooner if it wasn't for the long credits, red-filtered stock footage of sharks with metal music in the background. Very 2011. The woman in question is harassed by her boyfriend, who proceeds to take her top off after being told no. Consent is everything, friends. Doesn't matter if they're smiling or not. 

CHAD FACTOR 1

This unnamed woman gets eaten by a shark and that's it. Cold open over. It isn't going to get better from here folks.

The scene moves to a college campus, where some of our cast are playing video games. One of the first lines of dialogue from one of our characters (who I'll call Gamer Chad), refers to his teammate by saying “Wonsuk is PMSing again.” Six minutes in and we're doubling down on the misogyny. 

CHAD FACTOR 2

The only Black character in the movie, Malik, comes into the scene looking angry as hell. He's pulling some alpha bullshit, and implying that if he does badly on his test, he'll be back in West Baltimore, and he's “told them” about it. There are layers to this, and I'm not best qualified to list them. So lets just say, this whitewashed movie has no business talking about the 410. 

CHAD FACTOR

So our main guy is Pre-Med and wants to study, but is talked into coming because they're going to the lake house of a girl he likes. 

There's A LOT of montage. Like, 10 minutes of montage over the duration of the movie. 

We come to a scene at a gas station. Here we meet our bad guys, and it's clear right off the bat because the sidekick, Red, says to Malik, the Black character, in reference to his girlfriend, the only Latinx character: “It's real nice of you to let the help ride up front”. 

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if smoke came out of my ears when I heard that. But wait, it gets worse. He goes on to say that he'll “give her an English lesson in the back of his truck.” 

CHAD FACTOR 9

We also meet Dennis, the main bad guy, who has a history with our final girl, Sara. He explains away Red's behavior with his alcoholism. Isn't that delightful. There's a tense exchange and we're off for another travel montage that ends with us at the lake house after a boat chase with the sheriff. 

This sheriff knows Sara, has a gross nickname for her, and was just chasing them for a race. I guess he was bored? He asks the kids to hand him a beer, which he chugs and everyone seems to appreciate this. He then gets back on his boat and leaves. A cop. On duty. Drinks a beer. Then drives.

CHAD FACTOR 12

(another fucking montage)

Enter Sherman the dog. Sherman is one of perhaps three saving graces of this movie.

Pretty quickly from here, Malik is the first to get bit (not a good look) and when they try to get him to the ER, a shark rams the boat, knocking Maya (Malik's girlfriend) off the boat. She gets killed. We now have both of the PoC in this movie dead or maimed. Fuck off with this bollocks. 

CHAD FACTOR 13

The rudder was damaged so the boat crashes and explodes dramatically. They try to make Malik comfortable and we transition to evening, when we get a return of the stereotypical evil rednecks, Red and Dennis. Red says that he wants Maya to “vacuum his boat”. Racism, sexism, against a dead woman. Spiffy. 

CHAD FACTOR 16

We find out that Sara and Dennis have messed up romance history that culminated in her accidentally cutting up his face with a boat propeller. In a better movie this might be meaty character exposition. In this it's just...are we supposed to feel sorry for that shithead?

We have another creepy scene with Red, then we're back on the beach with Malik and Pre-Med Chad whose name I can't actually recall. This is a particularly fucked up moment. Malik is holding an old spear. The only black character. Holding a spear. Yeah. He tells his buddy that he doesn't get it, that he loved Maya and back in the 410 it's “one for one”. This implies to me that Malik has experience with some kind of street violence or gang related shit. They really could've just...not done this? 

CHAD FACTOR 21

We are then subjected to a scene where Beth, another female character, is forced to watch her friend get shot and eaten. Then she's made to strip at gunpoint. Dennis shoves her into the water where he films her being killed by a bunch of cookie cutter sharks. These guys are making snuff tapes of shark attacks. Side note: this makes no sense from a marine biology standpoint.

CHAD FACTOR 26

One of the kids I'm just going to call Tan Chad loads Malik onto a jet ski and tries to get him to safety. Their combined weight slows the jet ski down too much, so Malik sacrifices himself for this white guy who gets eaten by a shark anyway. 

CHAD FACTOR 27

Tan Chad is immediately killed by a great white shark that jumps through the air and grabs him by the head. This is the second moment of this movie that is actually enjoyable. 

CHAD FACTOR 26

Two scenes run concurrently toward the conclusion. 

Pre-Med Chad is tied up by the sheriff who is in league with Dennis. He's going to feed him to some sharks.

Sara ends up in a shark cage which is rigged to break. Dennis is going to film it. 

Red throws Sherman in a lake. Asshole. Dennis has Sara in a cage and has a “boo hoo, woe is me” moment over his scar face. She gets the upper hand by appealing to his feelings but he immediately takes the gun back and begins to put her back in the water.

CHAD FACTOR 33

Meanwhile the sheriff tries to feed Pre-Med to “tiger sharks” which are actually sand tiger sharks. It's like the difference between a wolf or a dog. Sand tiger sharks are not likely to attack a human. Pre-Med tricks the sheriff and sure enough gets killed by that “tiger shark”. Pre-Med then has this heroic dive moment. Dude. You only came here because you were hoping to get laid. This switch seems a little bit of a stretch. 

CHAD FACTOR 34 

Sara is bloody in the water, Dennis is gloating, then Pre-Med takes Red hostage. Dennis shoots Red, but then Pre-Med knocks him into the water. Pre-Med tries to bring the cage up, but Dennis detaches the winch because...spite...I guess? 

This would have been an excellent moment to save herself, but nope, she has to get a literal kiss of life for air whilst she's trapped in the cage. 

CHAD FACTOR 37

She does manage to get Dennis trapped long enough for his biggest shark to come along and eat him. This is actually quite satisfying, and is the last of the three good moments in this movie. 

+

CHAD FACTOR 36

Pre-Med comes back and kills the big shark. Aww. Look at the white boy hero. Again. Eye roll.

We do get the satisfaction that Sherman is still around and he actually fetched the bang stick that Pre-Med used to kill the shark. Sherman the dog is by far the MVP in the movie. He even grabs Sara's hand with his mouth to help Pre-Med get her back on the boat. 

We close on the typical kiss and last-minute shark flying at the camera, and boom. Credits.

I know this might make the ending sound underwhelming...but this is just how it is. It's bad.

FINAL CHAD FACTOR: 37 

I hope you enjoyed this more than I enjoyed watching Shark Night, though that wouldn't be hard to do. Spare yourself the wasted hour and a half. Have fun with something else, and I'll see you next time!

Dan Sexton-Riley is a British transplant living on Cape Cod with their family and a menagerie of small monsters. Dan fills most days with writing, reading, and baking. Their work can be found at Dead Head Reviews and Bewildering Stories. Dan also runs a Patreon dedicated to baking tutorials.

Socials are all @dansextonriley

Website is dansextonriley.com

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