Agony Aunt Answers: Parenting Edition

Yes, my friends, it’s that time again. So please enjoy this edition of my column, I hope it assists those who took the time to send their questions. And for the general readers, perhaps this can help you with a problem in your own life, too. Don’t forget to look at the end of the column for details of how to send me your own pressing questions. Today is all about helping parents – from a new father, to a mother who needs laundry tips, and a mother struggling with her oldest son. 

Dear Broomhilda,

I gained my emanthipathion from my marthter theventeen yearth ago. I retheived a letter latht week thaying that they had uthed my thpare partth to build a another like me, and I wath now a father. I am meeting Igora at the end of the month and I am very nervouth. Pleathe help!

From Igor Stein III

Oh, Igor, how exciting! I completely understand your nerves. Becoming a parent for the first time is exhilarating and terrifying. Please do not be too hard on yourself. Understand that whatever happens, you will make mistakes. The important thing is to recognise when you do so, and try to learn. Because becoming a parent really is a learning experience. No matter how much you read or how much advice you give, you will, unfortunately, never be fully prepared.

I spoke to a werewolf friend of mine for his advice, too. Werewolves tend to be very close to their young, and he suggested – “Give her a big hug and she’ll look into your eyes with unrequited love. Any fears or worries will melt away. You will make mistakes but as a great master once said: the greatest teacher, failure is.”

Very wise words indeed. Good luck with Igora. The fact you’re willing to reach out and ask for help shows you’re going to be a good father, too. Please let us know how it goes.

What’s the best laundry detergent to remove ground-in blood stains? My darling little monsters seem to be in constantly in trouble lately, and I can’t afford to burn any more clothes.

Yours, Exasperated Wendigo Mother of Six

I’m going to tell you a little secret: I don’t know much about household chores! I have had to deal with bloodstains but I tend to use magic to deal with them. Oh! But I do have a potion which will help – it’s handy, because a lot of my friends deal with bloodstains often. If you send me your address, Exasperated, I’ll get a sample bottle out to you.

One friend – a vampire – said, “Make sure your children are covering their tracks. It’s frustrating to have to be constantly on the move because of the actions of others. Broomhilda’s potion works really well but you have to get to the clothes instantly. Make sure the kids bring them straight to you. Soak them in cold or warm water, pour two drops of the potion in for smaller stains, a few more drops for larger or multiple. Leave it to soak overnight and when you come back in the morning, the blood is gone! It really is magic.”

There you go! Easy as that, apparently. 

Long-time reader, first time write-in. I'm a single mother of 3 monstrously cute boys (all three of whom are the "boyest boys to have ever boy-ed" and I mean that lovingly of course!) 

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say it's certainly a bit of a challenge to balance pandemic life with WFH challenges, home-schooling, and other miscellaneous parenting woes as well as my own personal care. I'm doing my best, but I'm having a bit of an issue with my eldest.

As you can imagine, a household filled with monster-truck loving, mud-puddle obsessed, shower averse children is truly full of the wickedest aromas. In addition, the eldest is also on the cusp of puberty and teenagehood. His father, God rest his undead soul, worked in a famous doctor's laboratory and often came home smelling dank and dreary, and I imagine my eldest is having a bit of fatherly nostalgia whenever he sniffs himself. While it's sort of endearing in a bizarre little way, I'd like this crotch goblin to be a bit neater in appearance and personal care.

Do you have any advice on how to convince my prepubescent 12 year old that he really needs to fully shower his nuts-and-bolts thoroughly on the daily, even if he is a Genuine Monster. 

Sincerely,

A Mama Who is Quite Ready to Throw This Lad on the Slab and Hose Him Down

Mama, firstly, you’re doing amazing. This has not been an easy time for anyone, but parents? Wow have you all prove yourselves superheroes, especially those of you dealing with WFH and schooling and keeping the kids entertained when they can’t see their friends.

The first thing I want to say to you is I hope you are taking time for yourself, too. If the oldest is responsible enough, put him in charge of his siblings for an hour and shut yourself in the bathroom. It’s good bonding time for them and gives you time to recharge. If you can, of course. If not, I hope a relative offers to take them off your hands when that sort of thing is possible, and you can have some well-deserved me-time.

In regards to your son. This year has been hard on everyone, but our children have had so much taken away from them. For us older folk, it is but one year of many – we may have missed out on a lot, but we know full well there are other years. To your sons, however, a year right now is such an incredibly long time. They haven’t been able to see their friends or teachers, some are going up to bigger schools without seeing the same fanfare they’d witnessed in previous years, and were probably looking forward to. Consider this – if you are, say, 35, one year is simply 1/35th of your life. To a ten-year-old, it is 1/10th! It sounds like your son, by refusing to bathe, is seeking comfort in the smell of his father, which he has, unfortunately, achieved by his lack of bathing.

Right now, it’s important to consider what your boy needs. He is on the verge of puberty, which probably means he’s being bombarded with ‘you’re almost a man’ messages. For a boy in a fatherless household, this might bring added anxiety – is he scared he’s going to be asked to take up as ‘man of the house’? Is that something that has been said to him before, probably by old fashioned family members when his father died? It could be he is trying to emulate his father in this way, to get ‘comfortable’ with the role he expects he will have to take?

Sit down with your son. Without the other two present, if possible. Talk to him about his responsibilities and what is expected of him, but ensure he knows you will not expect more than he can give. Make sure he knows you’re well aware he is still a child, and he won’t be asked to grow up too fast. Ask him his anxieties, try to get him to open up to you. Explain to him the importance of good hygiene, and how bathing himself is part of his responsibilities. Talk to him about the kind of issues that might arise if he doesn’t take good care of himself. If needed, if things are too overwhelming, let me know – contact me again, I have some fantastic resources to help deal with Monster Mental Health. 

I hope you can resolve it with your son. And give him a big hug – I think we all need that right now!

I hope this column helps these stressed out parents, and helps them find the solutions they need. Remember, however, if you’re experiencing problems in any sort of relationship, the best thing to try first is to speak to the person. But I am always here if you need more help. If you want to ask me something, please e-mail me at broomhildavitch813@gmail.com.

Broomhilda has travelled the world, sometimes on a broom, sometimes not. She has seen things change, often, and is a particular fan of musicals. She currently has a werewolf and a vampire both vying for her affection, but to be honest she’s tempted to drop them both and run deeper into the woods, with, of course, her three-headed puppy, three-legged cat, and three-eyed dragon. You can follow Broomhilda on Twitter, @BroomhildaAgony.