Agony Aunt Answers: Alpha Dogs and other Hairy Situations

This time, we’re taking a look at a few relationship queries. A young woman is trying to deal with her boyfriend’s messy guys nights, another is trying to work out if she can fully reveal herself to her partner, and the last wants to know the best thing to do when your boyfriend can’t deal with what her body goes through every month.

Every full moon my bf's (23m) and our roommate’s (21m) friends come over for guy's night but they pee all over the toilet seat and it's getting really tiresome.  I'm the only human gal (21f) in the apartment, but I don't think I should have to deal with this. Why are men so gross?! Is there a polite way for me to address this situation without embarrassing my bf and our roomie but avoid a stinky bathroom?!

If they were going to get embarrassed about it, they already would be. No doubt they have noticed the situation, but boys often won’t even think about the impact it’d have on someone in your position. I understand that under a full moon some of our more furry friends might have trouble controlling their actions, but that’s no excuse! You need to approach this with both your boyfriend and your roommate. If they’re completely incapable of cleaning up in the night, ask that they do it in the morning, and perhaps consider getting out of the place for the night. Start hanging out with your friends to give you some space, maybe a friend can put you up for the night?

If you do spend the night away, leave the toilet seat up before you go, and remind the guys that if it goes down for any reason, they have to lift it back up themselves before they pee!

The other option is to perhaps suggest they don’t always host the guy’s night. If there’s a few of them, I imagine the place must get pretty full. Maybe they could have a rota and go to different houses/apartments every month. Depending on where you live, are they able to spend their guy’s night outside, too? It would be beneficial to them, able to run beneath the moon and pee wherever they like without worrying about the clean-up.

I grew up with a pack of older brothers, and it is a very frustrating situation. Especially when their friends get involved. But a third option for you might be a simple, surprising solution. It’s amazing what people will do when instructions are explicitly laid out before them. Surprising how many people will actually pay attention. We had a sticker on our toilet, a little cartoon boy, with the words – If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be sweet and wipe the seat! 

Remember, the key to happiness in any relationship is communication. Don’t be afraid about embarrassing them – it’s your place as much as its’ theirs, and you don’t have to put up with that.  

I’ve been a werewolf since puberty, like all of the females in my pack, but my human boyfriend doesn’t know. Recently he’s talked about moving in together and maybe even starting a family. I’d love to have pups eventually, but I’m worried he’s not the alpha for me. Will he still love me when he sees me grow hair and start chasing next door’s cats?

Cheers, Wenda Whitewolf

I can’t answer your question exactly, Wenda. I do not know you or your boyfriend. But there is a very good way of working out if this is going to work or not. You need to tell him. I think you care very deeply for him, and the fact he wants to move in and have a family shows he cares for you, too. You could spring the situation on him, but that might make things worse.

I would definitely suggest sitting down, maybe having a nice meal together, and explaining you need to tell him something before you move in. Communication is key, especially before you take those next steps.

I expect he might surprise you. And the good guys love you no matter what so if he is a good guy, if he truly loves you, your extra hair and chasing cats hobby will not matter in the slightest. If he does care, and it makes him reconsider? Well then, he’s not worth it!

Help! My monthly hairy visitor is ruining my sex life!

Dear Broomhilda,

My boyfriend, "Jack," and I have been together for six months. He's wonderful - he's handsome, loving, and so good in bed that he makes my legs shake!

The problem is that once a month, I have a visitor that interferes with our sex life. I'm not talking about "Aunt Flo"- Jack doesn't mind a little blood, thank goodness - but rather what happens to me when the moon is full. I become covered in fur from head to toe!

I told Jack early on about this issue, and he said he didn't care if I had body hair or not. But lately, he's been acting squeamish when the full moon is close. He strokes me but he won't kiss my whole body the way he does the rest of the month. He's also started to ask if I've considered shaving or even waxing when the full moon appears. I can barely control my hunger then, let alone my razor!

During last week's full moon, he wouldn't even touch me. After I got back to normal, he asked if I'd consider getting laser treatment so I could stay smooth all the time. I don't think he understands that the fur is beyond my control.

What can I do to contain my body hair during the full moon - or at least, make sex better for us when my fur is unleashed?

Thank you,

Howling For You

I think you need to really consider this relationship. I hate to say this, and usually I would advise for full communication, but it sounds like his words are not matching his actions. You discussed it with him early on, much like I advised Wenda to do, and he seemed accepting, but he has now gone back on that. He might be handsome and make your legs shake, but your other comment, that he’s loving, doesn’t hold up with what you then say.

Sex is best when both parties are completely and utterly comfortable. But it sounds like he’s uncomfortable with what is the natural you. You should not be made to feel ashamed about your true self, ever, and your true self is sometimes hairy, sometimes not. A partner should be just that – a partner, someone who is there for you no matter what. 

Your question – what can you do to contain your body hair. Well, there are steps you can take for this, but they are not comfortable, and it is an instance where the side-effects are worse than the ‘cure’. Rest assured, I hesitate in even using the word cure, as there is nothing to cure you of.

I do have a suggestion for how you can make sex better. Dump him, and find someone who truly, really does love you, no matter what part of your monthly cycle you are experiencing. 

There we have it, friends. I hope that helped the young women who submitted for this column. I only have one more left for this month, and I am not currently accepting questions for that edition, but if you have any pressing matters – a monster you can’t deal with, a supernatural problem, or need a little pep talk, you can submit via the form on the site, or e-mail broomhildavitch813@gmail.com

Broomhilda has seen many people rise and fall over her long life, and she is steadfast in her belief that kindness wins out. She currently resides in the woods, and is allowing a group of nymphs to live with her to protect them from the various men who keep creeping on them. Along with the nymphs, she has her three-headed puppy, three-legged cat, and three-eyed dragon. You can follow Broomhilda on Twitter, @BroomhildaAgony.