Agony Aunt Answers: Garlic, Glittery Boyfriends, and Succs to be Sexy

Welcome to our ever popular recurring column by our resident advice columnist Broomhilda, “Agony Aunt Answers".

I'm a chef and my bf is coming over for dinner for the first time, and he says he has a garlic allergy.  I'm pretty sure he's lying about having an actual allergy and just doesn't like it. AITA if I put garlic in the food anyway and don't tell him? (25m/127m)

Okay, first things first, my friend. That age gap is…something. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen these types of relationship work, but I’ve also seen them implode. Just remember, you have your whole life ahead of you. Red flags are hard to spot when you’re right up against them, but keep an eye out, okay? Make sure your hottie isn’t treating you badly – does he keep mentioning the age gap? Does he criticise your hobbies as ‘childish’? If so, revoke that invitation to your home and get him out of your life.

If he doesn’t, and he’s not condescending, or staring at others when you’re out for your nightly strolls (in a way that’s more than just hungry, anyway), then I wish you all the best. Your time with him can be the most exciting and thrilling of your life, if you play it right. And don’t be too upset if you can only see him at night! 

Just don’t let him bite down on your neck too often. You need that blood, don’t let him sap you.

With the garlic – do not put it in there! Some of our friends can be allergic. Others aren’t. I bet he’s told you he’s sensitive to sunlight, too? Would you force him out in the middle of the day, just to see what sunlight really does to him? 

Essentially, my main advice for this situation applies to anyone told by someone they’re cooking for, “I have an allergy.” Even if you think they’re lying, even if you think they’re being completely and totally outlandish, do not use that ingredient. If they don’t like it, they won’t enjoy the food anyway. And if they are allergic, at best you could cause huge discomfort and at worst you could kill them. And really, if you don’t trust your boyfriend on this, it doesn’t bode well for your future.

My BF claims he sparkles naturally in the sunlight, but I’m not convinced and I think he's been seeing other girls behind my back (he's never glittered before on our dinner dates?!)

I feel like this is lacking in info, my friend. I don’t understand the connection between sparkling in sunlight and seeing other girls. But down to the question at hand. Regarding your dinner dates, dinner implies evening meal, so if he sparkles in sunlight why would he sparkle then? If he’s avoiding you during the daytime, perhaps there’s something else going on. It isn’t time to immediately jump to, “He’s cheating on me.” 

If there are other signs, or even if you have a gut feeling, you can keep an eye out. But don’t go overboard – you seem to have little to go on, and if he makes you happy, don’t ruin that by going through his phone or screaming accusations at him. However, if he is a decent, mature guy, you can approach the topic with him! Talk to each other. Communication is the key to a successful relationship

Back to the sparkling, which I kind of put aside for now because, honestly? Your friendly neighbourhood Agony Aunt has lived a long, long time, my friends, and I have friends of all different types. I even checked with some of them. And I have never heard of anyone who sparkles. I’d suggest there is definitely something else going on there, but you need to communicate with him.

And if he doesn’t make you happy, if he isn’t responsive to your concerns, end the relationship. You deserve better.

EDITORS NOTE: The next question and answer contains discussions of sex and may not be suitable for a younger audience. Consider this rated ‘R’.

Help! I'm afraid to get intimate in my new relationship because I may kill my boyfriend.

Dear Broomhilda,

I'm normally a love 'em and leave 'em type, and I've left plenty of men. "Maneater" has been dedicated to me by more than one guy. But like many women before me, I've met a special someone who makes me want to settle down and stay with him forever. I spotted "Brandon" in a bar and was all set to use my feminine wiles to get him home quickly and screw his brains out (and then some) but when he started chatting me up, I decided to chat back! And then we exchanged phone numbers, and now we've gone on several dates.

The problem is that I'm afraid to be intimate with him, because when I get intimate, I feel an unrelenting hunger. I start out sucking men's ... erm, fingers, and then go straight for their souls. I've been doing this forever, and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself once Brandon and I have sex. We've already had a few close calls while making out. Once, I had to tell him the dizzy sensation he felt was because of a new perfume I was wearing.

I want to be intimate with Brandon, but because I care for him--not because I want to devour him. Brandon has been patient with me and says we'll have sex when we're both ready (if he only knew how ready I was!), but it's not fair to him or to us to keep him waiting. I want to get close to him. What can I do to ensure that the only thing leaving his body when he comes is, well, cum?

Thank you,

Sucks to be Succubus

This is a very tricky situation, but I assure you, Sucks, you are not the first demon to experience this problem. I’ve had vampires, incubi, and succubi all approach me about their fears when getting intimate with a human partner. There’s a reason many form long-term relationships with other demons, and keep the humans for feeding, but love is love and we cannot help who we fall for.

There is a particular hill I will die on when it comes to relationships – be honest. You shouldn’t hide your true self from your partner, and if you really do want this to be a long-term thing, you must come clean with Brandon. Explain to him what you really are. If he is as wonderful as you say, he won’t form a mob and come after you with torches and pitchforks. And if he does? Well, you’re a strong woman, you can without a doubt look after yourself.

In terms of the actual practicalities, sucking souls is a habit you can train yourself out of, I promise. It might seem hard now (no pun intended), but take things slow. There are things you can try together where you’re not actually touching one another. Start there. Then go gentle. Try things where you are touching each other but where you are not kissing him. Or where you, well, don’t have your lips on him.

You can also try feeding before you see him. Discuss his comfortability with that sort of thing. If you haven’t realised it yet, dear, let me tell you: you can feed without having sex, if that makes you both more comfortable.

There are plenty of options you can explore. You will get there. And you will hopefully have a lovely life with this Brandon of yours. And tell him if he has any questions, he can get in touch with me, too. 

Good luck, and hopefully you’ll find a way to embrace your true nature and have the relationship you want. 

Well, that was a bit longer than last time, wasn’t it. But hopefully our askers have found solutions to their problems, and are able to continue having happy, wonderful lives. Until next time, my dears. Take care. And if you have a question, feel free to contact me via broomhildavitch813@gmail.com

Broomhilda is currently trying to get the hang of this whole internet thing. The Dead Head Admins aren’t sure where she came from, but they’re glad to have her on the team all the same. She has dealt with zombies, werewolves, vampires and many others over the course of her long life, and has decided to use that knowledge in helping others. She currently lives alone in terms of non-animal company, though that changes day by day, but she always has her three-headed puppy, three-legged cat, and three-eyed dragon nearby. She is now on Twitter, @BroomhildaAgony.