Aliens vs. RoboCop: Round 3
The ongoing battle between Kit Power and T. Wood to decide the Best Movie Ever Made is really heating up. With two essays already published – beginning at Ginger Nuts of Horror and continuing with a rebuttal on Ink Heist – it appears our opinionated opponents have attracted the attention of the legal teams at Omni Consumer Products (OCP) and the Weyland-Yutani Corporation.
With their permission, we are publishing the letters they both received, and their responses.
Snide Gribley, Attorney At Law
Legal Dept, OCP HQ,
Delta City, Detroit, MI 12345
(555) 456-1701
s.gribley@ocp.com
8th September 2041
Mx T
Dear Mx T,
It’s come to the attention of the OCP legal and image management team that you have recently made several disparaging comments about OCP, which we believe reach the legal definition of defamation, including the use of propaganda videos, blog posts and social media. We have catalogued some of these offences as follows:
That you refer to OCP, in your Ink Heist essay, as a ‘Big Brother corporation’ a clear attempt to negatively associate our corporate image with that of a totalitarian regime.
You constantly use the name of “ED-209” in flagrant violation of our patents and copyright related to this product.
You suggest our RoboCop unit committed acts of criminal damage, when, by law and by programming, it is impossible for that to occur. In doing so, you undermine faith in Detroit Law Enforcement as a whole, creating additional risks for peace officers on the ground.
This should not be considered an extensive or exhaustive list, and our investigators are continuing to pursue several active lines of enquiry with retards to your online behaviour.
We also note with alarm the production of propagandistic videos by yourself on social media, which we believe misrepresent the significant danger posed to the public by recent Weyland-Yutani activities relating to live animal imports, especially given said videos depictions of Xenomorphs in a way likely to mislead citizens into thinking these deadly, dangerous creatures are ‘cute’ and ‘smol’. Our investigators are also currently rigorously exploring credible claims that you have financial links to the Weyland-Yutani corporation, and that these videos represent industrial espionage on the part of your employer.
As a company responsible for managing many formerly inefficiently-run public utilities, including prisons, military facilities, and police forces, we take such threats to public safety extremely seriously. We also vigorously defend our employees and products from public attack and deformation. Please be advised if you do not immediately cease and desist, legal action will be an inevitable consequence, and we will seek the fullest level of damages the law will allow.
Sincerely,
Gribley, Snide, J.D.
Mx T HQ
Somewhere in Wellington
Aotearoa New Zealand
Right here, right now
Dear Mr Gribley,
I write in response to your “cease and desist letter” dated 8th September, and would like to thank you in advance for the moment of amusement you provided me. It would appear that Omni Consumer Products (OCP) have an excellent understanding of what satire is, as your letter clearly showed. I was largely unaware that multinational conglomerates (especially those who operate in dubious ways) could even have such a great sense of humour. However, on the unlikely off-chance that your communication was meant to be taken seriously, I have decided to play along.
You suggest that by referring to OCP as a ‘Big Brother corporation’ I seek to negatively associate their corporate image with that of a totalitarian regime – to wit, one that permits no individual freedom and that seeks to subordinate all aspects of individual life to the authority of the state. To this assertion I can only say, “If the cap fits…”
You state that my use of the name of “ED-209” is in flagrant violation of OCP patents and copyright. I ask that you prove to me exactly where I have used this name inappropriately or incorrectly. Need I remind you that OCP created a giant, artificially-(semi)intelligent robotic machine-gun which malfunctioned in a crowded boardroom and gunned down one of their employees, and they called it a “peacekeeping machine”. A little naïve, I feel.
You counter my claim that the OCP Crime Prevention Unit 001 (RoboCop) has committed acts of criminal damage, stating it is impossible due to law and programming. However, it is without doubt that RoboCop has a “shoot first, ask questions later” attitude, and acts in a way that shows a flagrant disregard for basic human rights and respect for public property.
I refer you to:
The young gas station assistant whose place of employment was destroyed,
The wall that RoboCop damaged at City Hall,
The man on who RoboCop permanently and irreversibly inflicts grievous bodily harm via castration with a bullet – a punishment which may or may not have fitted his alleged crime.
Should my words and actions undermine faith in the Detroit Law Enforcement, I can only suggest that they consider performing in a way that does not call their morals and ethics in to question, nor should they seek to align themselves with (allegedly) corrupt organisations. Perhaps the citizens of Detroit would have more faith in their law enforcement if they felt they were acting in their best interests, rather than as a political pawn used to further the gentrification and social cleansing of large parts of the city.
Finally, I fully refute your suggestion that my personal video, posted on social media, could be construed as any kind of propaganda, nor does it misrepresent the danger of the Xenomorph species to the general public. I am also failing to understand why you use the descriptions, “cute” and “smol” in a derogatory manner.
I currently hold a valid Class I Exotic & Non-native Wildlife Licence (68A-6.002, 68A-6.002) which permits me to keep one Internecivus Raptus (Xenomorph XX121) in my domestic dwelling, providing it is under a specific size and weight – 150cm and 40kg. Only larger, untamed versions of this creature may present a minor danger, and generally only if they are disturbed within their natural habitat.
Again, I thank you for the laughs, but should you feel compelled to take your outlandish claims any further, I must warn you that I have been in direct contact with Weyland-Yutani representatives, and they are more than happy to see you in court.
Regards,
Mx T.
Bio
T. Wood is a gender-fluid hyperactive squirrel-cat hybrid with the attention span of a bumblebee on a caffeine drip. Sometimes they write stuff and it doesn’t completely suck. Has an unhealthy obsession with notebooks and gel pens. Weasel tamer.
Find them on Twitter @meringutang
Or at their website: tabathawood.com
NOTICE TO CEASE AND DESIST
Thaddeus Grouse, Attorney at Law
Weyland-Yutani Corporation (Legal Dept.)
Floor 15, 2127 Bishop Street, San Francisco
(555) 399-5137
T.D.H.Grouse@WYCorp.com
16th May 2179
Re: Defamation of Character – For Libel and/or Slander
Dear Mr. Power,
The Weyland-Yutani Corporation is a respected, multinational organisation with extensive assets in interplanetary shipping and transport, and is a proud leader in the operation of human colonies outside the solar system through the Extrasolar Colonization Administration.
The Company founders – Sir Peter Weyland and Yutani – dedicated their lives to manufacturing synthetics, spaceships and computers for a wide range of industrial and commercial clients, earning a strong and positive reputation. Weyland-Yutani is proud to be a household name.
Nevertheless, it has come to our attention that you have been maliciously spreading inaccurate and unfounded information that is personally and professionally damaging to named persons in The Company’s employ, and to The Company as a whole.
These claims are as follows:
That you did knowingly and purposefully defame the reputation of Weyland-Yutani junior executive, Carter J. Burke (Special Projects Director) by describing him as “utterly amoral” and with a “profit uber alles” attitude.
That you implied through online commentary that the Weyland-Yutani Corporation seek to exploit the extra-terrestrial creature known as a “Xenomorph” for commercial and militarised ends, and that the Corporation premeditated an illegal embryo harvesting procedure.
That your commentary on Weyland-Yutani’s “corporate culture” was written in such a way as might be grossly misinterpreted or suggest moral or ethical ambiguity.
That you implied that the video media released by one Mx T in support of Weyland-Yutani employees and representatives was “propaganda” that attempts to knowingly mislead the general public as to the dangers of a Xenomorph. At Weyland-Yutani we are confident that we are in full and complete control of any and all extra-terrestrial lifeforms that we take into our custody and adhere to stringent safety and quarantine measures. While we deny any personal, professional or financial affiliation with Mx T, we can be certain they were in no danger, and your commentary was designed purely to inflame and cause undue concern and/or fear.
That you did knowingly imply that the Weyland-Yutani Corporation behaved in a morally and ethically questionable way, mirroring that of Detroit-based mega-corporation, Omni Consumer Products (OCP) namely:
· That the Corporation engages in and encourages potentially fatal rivalry between corporate executives.
· That the Corporation may have links with an unnamed criminal element such as street gangs or underworld leaders.
· That the Corporation has manipulated contracts with the military for its own nefarious gain.
The behaviours you have identified relate to OCP and only to OCP. Weyland-Yutani has no personal or financial affiliation with the aforementioned corporation.
At Weyland-Yutani we are fully confident in our company motto of “Building Better Worlds”. Weyland-Yutani observes with integrity, an entirely different set of corporate values to those of OCP, not least of which, that we operate on multinational and interstellar level.
If you do not cease all related statements a defamation of character lawsuit will be commenced against you.
This letter serves as a pre-suit letter demanding you provide us written assurance within seven days that you will cease and desist from making further factually untrue statements. We will be monitoring your social media accounts and online commentary to ensure you comply.
If you do not comply with the demands of this letter within the aforementioned time- period, or if you continue to defame the Weyland-Yutani name, then a lawsuit may be filed in the proper jurisdiction seeking monetary damages as well as pursuing all available legal remedies for your defamation.
Sincerely,
Thaddeus Grouse, J.D.
Dear Thaddeus Grouse, Attorney at Law, Weyland-Yutani Corporation (Legal Dept.), and indeed the entire Weyland-Yutani Corporation executive branch,
I acknowledge receipt of your cease-and-desist letter, and have carefully considered the contents. I am likewise aware of the nature of your company, and in particular the value which you put on your image and reputation, and the lengths you will go to in order to protect such image and reputation; so it is with great care and thought that I present to you the following response:
Fuck you.
Go fuck yourselves.
You are evil. What you do is evil. You govern with tyranny and fear, using the threat of financial ruin to treat humans as your chattel slaves; as resources, to be moved and consumed at will, in pursuit of the almighty dollar. Worse, you reward the base, the venal, and the sociopathic, ensuring the power structure is reinforced by bullies and amoral seekers of power and wealth; in this way, you represent the abuse cycle on an - literally - industrial scale, weaponizing trauma and rewarding cruelty, spreading your cancerous ideology through the population, killing personal growth and choking off human potential.
But, well, let’s face it, you're also a bit shit.
I mean, not to break the fourth wall, here, but, how to put this delicately? You’re barely even there, my dudes. Yeah, Burke is an asshole, but as I discussed previously, he really only exists to solve a plot problem, because Aliens needs the creatures to get loose to drive the story forward. Aliens doesn’t give a crap about corporate malfeasance or, well, any of the things I spent my opening paragraph ranting about. Aliens is just ‘the closing hours of ‘Nam in Space’, and everything else in the film is in service to that.
Still, you are right about one thing; you’re no OCP. Compared to that wretched hive of scum and villainy, complete with functioning dysfunctional internal politics, the conflict between which spawns the narrative and drives it throughout, all the ‘regular people’ helplessly crushed between the grinding gears of capitalism perpetual war with itself, you’re a cardboard cutout, a bouffant. You’re brylcreem. And with RoboCop, incidentally, that actually fleshed-out story and structure is intrinsic to the narrative and the satire, not just the turnkey mechanism for ‘Bugs Go Boom In Space’.
In short and in summary, you’re not really scary because you’re not really there. Because, like the movie you come from, you’re a childish, unsophisticated signifier of a real-world evil; sure, fun, the way cartoon villains are fun, but also fundamentally unserious. It’s hard to get mad at you, because you’re just a cypher. Because Aliens isn’t, fundamentally, a movie with much, if anything, to say about the ways in which corporate evil is structured, perpetuates, and grows.
For that, you need an altogether different level of brilliance. I get why you didn’t do that. To do that would be harder. It would require incredible storytelling skills and finesse to pull off.
And also, you’d have to give enough of a shit about the problem to have really worked it out.
And you don’t. So shove your cease and desist up your arse.
Because, in the final analysis, Weyland-Yutani Corporation, you are categorically no OCP.
Yours in happy contempt
Kit Power
