Elle’s Body Horror Nightmare
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My Body Horror Nightmare
TW: gore, severe sunburn, skin issues, mental health, pain
Okay, stick with me on this because this might sound like an exaggeration, but it really is not.
Not too long ago, I experienced a week of hell. A week when I could not stand to look at my skin, when my skin could not be touched, when I had to keep the cat from crawling onto lap and was unable to do the most basic of functions for myself. And I count myself lucky, because for me it was a week (abouts, though it took a bit longer to heal even more and the itching during that point was intense), and I am fully conscious of others who experience this thing regularly or long-term.
So, what happened, and why am I writing it here? Because during that week, I have never before related to body horror so much. Body horror is an exploration of physical changes in the body, sometimes as a sort of allegory for other things, sometimes more as an exercise in how gross and gory a writer can make the story.
At the end of August, I went to Pride Cymru with a friend. I was excited; it was my first Pride since coming out as bi. We watched the parade in the morning then headed over to where the event was being held, and enjoyed a day of sunshine, music, and drinks
And I had forgotten to wear sunscreen.
I had been so good at doing so earlier in the summer. Even on days where it didn’t look sunny or even get sunny or sometimes rained, I had sunscreen on. Because I am a very pale person and burn easy. Not just that but the sun tends to effect me really easily too, so yeah, I have to be careful.
No sunscreen, no hat, wearing a summery dinosaur dress – yeah, I was a complete and utter idiot. Don’t ever do an Elle because the results are very unpleasant.
It was not long after getting home I started feeling unwell – I was shivering, felt a little nauseous, tired. I had heatstroke, and spent the evening alternating between holding an ice pack to various parts of my body and sipping water slowly. It was not a pleasant night, and once I stopped experiencing the worst of it, I went to bed, feeling exhausted.
The pain wasn’t super bad that night, but when I woke in the morning, it was a different story. I could barely move. I struggled to properly get out of bed. The pain was across my back, shoulders, arms and chest. My partner winced when he saw my shoulders. I had to really search for a top I could wear comfortably, a baggy stap top rather than a t-shirt. Already, the skin was blistering.
I kind of wish I’d actually documented this at the time, because a few weeks out now and looking back is difficult, because that week is, essentially, a haze of pain. I swapped out clothes regularly, always wearing something baggy. My skin, especially on my shoulders, blistered fast. In the just under two years since we’ve been living together, I’d never had a bath here, always preferring the shower. Now, between rounds of aloe vera and moisturiser (Nivea smooth, FYI – a godsend) he ran me a bath, I soaked in it a bit, and he came and helped me out. Within a couple of days I was back in the bath, this time asking him if he could please, please wash my hair (he was worried about getting shampoo in my eyes).
I was barely sleeping, due to a number of things; the pain, being unable to sleep on my side, the duvet and sheet feeling like they were scratching me. At one point I put a towel down and slept on that. I struggled through a couple of days at work then went off sick for the rest of the week, knowing I just couldn’t. Between the pain and sleep, I was barely functioning.
It wasn’t just the pain, either. It was looking at my shoulders and seeing these deformations on my skin, first the blisters then the peeling. And my God, the peeling! The first time I went out of the house I covered all of my shoulders and arms, feeling very self-conscious about going out while skin was quite literally flaking off me. I felt disgusting. Our cat 2pac kept trying to crawl onto my lap, sitting near me when I pushed her off. She’s the type of animal who, when you’re feeling poorly, will get as close to you as possible and start purring. (Once I could have her on my lap again, she was on it every moment possible for a few weeks!)
Thankfully the blisters did go down, and eventually the pain eased. The itching persisted for longer. My skin, at times, had me shuddering, thinking of words like slough and shed and yeah, I felt a bit like a snake. Weirdly, one thing that initially stopped me picking at it was remembering the bearded dragon we had many years ago. When Dave started shedding, I looked up what I could about how to help him – it was definitely a time when he became less active and seemed more despondent, and I wanted to help him. The biggest piece of advice was to not peel the skin off, as it was a bad idea to reveal the new skin before it was ready. What was suggested was spraying him with a bottle of water, to keep the skin hydrated.
Luckily, due to the heatwaves previously in the summer, I’d picked up a water spray bottle, and since originally getting burnt I’d been spraying myself with it. And yeah, eventually I succumbed to peeling off the skin, mainly when it was at a later stage and at a point where it really needed to come off.
The day I could actually shower – meaning the water hitting my skin wasn’t incredibly painful – and wash my own hair – meaning I could now actually lift my arms – I cried. I’d had a trapped nerve back at the start of 2020, which caused neck pain for a good few months and occasional recurrences for a good while after. I cannot even tell you which one was worse. At least with my neck, I could still do stuff. With the sunburn, even the most basic of activities was beyond my ability.
And this was only for a week! Yes, okay, I was a complete and total idiot, but there have been sunny, hot days in the past where I’ve been out in the sun and not caught it this bad. Still, lesson learnt – wear sunscreen, kids, because you do not want to end up in the same position I was in.
Throughout, I was conscious of the fact that it would pass. That I would eventually be able to cwtch up with 2pac again, or shower by myself, or even hug my partner (yeah, that was really difficult, too! Me in intense pain and him just looking on, wishing he could hug me because that always makes things better, but the odd time he forgot and accidentally even went to, I practically crumpled!).
I didn’t take this for granted. The effects lasted longer than a week, but as long as I was careful, most of the pain had faded. But my skin felt extremely tight, especially on my chest, and the itching lasted for longer – to the point I wondered if my skin was ever going to be the same again. Even now, there are patches that are still red, over a month later. Parts did tan, but that didn’t last long at all. In this battle of Elle versus The Sun, it was definitely our closest star that won.
If this was a Body Horror story, no doubt as the skin came off something else would be revealed beneath, but alas this was no great transformation. Just pain, frustration, early hours crying in my office, itching, and general grossness.
There are people who live with this kind of pain every single day, or if not every day, then on a much more frequent level. I knew there would be no help from medical professionals beyond information I could already find out online, and I was incredibly grateful to my partner for all he did to help me, and to his mother, who gave advice and basically told him exactly what I needed to help me get better. This was a relatively short period in my life (but my God it felt long), but the fact is for many it is life, dealing with the pain and lack of help and the mental health issues that come along with it.
The fact is, whether it’s for a few days, a week/weeks, months or long-term, pain is an awful thing to live with. It disrupts everything, and something like sunburn might seem really inconsequential to sum, but it really impacted me on every level. Even then, I was surprised when, with a bit of research, I found what I had would be classed as ‘severe’ sunburn. So, don’t do what I did. Put your sunscreen on, carry it with you everywhere, take hats and umbrellas, and plenty of water! I know I won’t make the same mistake again.
If you want to find out more information about chronic pain, check out Pain UK, a charity which provides a voice for people in pain.
And don’t forget your sunscreen.
By Elle Turpitt
Twitter & Instagram: @elleturpitt
www.elleturpitt.com
