PIHM Personal Essay: My Alien Adventures - A Self-Reflection
I began as an entity, patiently waiting for my turn to become sentient and live on Earth to gather useful intel. I waited five years, which felt like forever, and finally got the call. I then began the gestation process that was a long nine months of living in a small, cramped, water filled sack. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and evacuated early. Little did I know that would cause complications and I would need to stay in a human-grow box for a month. At least I had more room and was not floating in all that water. However, I did not come out unscathed. I had eye and orthopedic issues. These human bodies were surely prone to problems. I was not prepared for such weaknesses. I ended up needing eye adjustments and orthopedic interventions to bring my human form into something usable.
Once released from the human-grow box, I was sent to live with a human family. I was excited to begin my mission, but I was not prepared for how long it takes to become independent. I was not able to undertake my mission right away. My current state was quite primordial, I did not know how to eat, walk by myself or even talk. It really complicated my plans to integrate into society and gather the needed intel. Eventually, I was able to begin something called nursery school. There, I interacted with many small humans my gestational age. I was able to integrate quickly and began to learn about human growth.
I really enjoyed this time; I was able to seamlessly integrate, and no one suspected I was not human. However, that began to change when I had to go to “regular school”. I was sent to a school where God was very important, and so was conformity. I was at a severe disadvantage because I was never instructed about this “God” character during my pre-mission training. This school was focused on conformity and rules. We all had to wear the same clothes and were required to complete certain rituals every day. Everyone else, including the other “children” (which I found out is what I was called) knew special oaths to this God. One day, I went with another child to pick flowers for the adult who oversaw all of us, called a teacher, and we got to class after the bell. We were told we were bad and had to talk to the big lady in the special dress who told us we were going to hell. I didn’t know what that meant but figured it might be a good thing because I would get to visit another place these humans experience and thus gain further intel.
I didn’t stay at this God place long, and I then went to what was known as a public school. Here, everyone wore different clothes and seemed much happier. This is where the differences began to manifest – the holes in my training really began to show. As my sentience became more advanced with experiences, and my gestational age increased, I learned there were more social rules. Honestly, I had trouble keeping up with everything. I was not prepared for all the social rules. In the God school, I taught myself to read. This put me ahead of most students in the public school, so I was put in a special advanced reading group and I was the only female entity. I learned that females need to work harder than males to get attention. I felt like this was unfair. I also learned that when you take a “test”, a paper where you show what information you know, you are not allowed to look up the answers during the test. If you do look up the answers it is called cheating. I learned this the hard way and received “detention” where I had to stay after school writing the sentence, “I will not cheat.” Over and over. You can bet now that I know about cheating, I will never do it again.
After I finished with this beginning public school, I went to a junior public school, and this is where things really began to unravel. I very quickly began to realize that when I was in pre-mission training, I missed a lot of critical knowledge. Whether this was my fault for not being in the right place to receive the knowledge, or the leaders not wanting me to have it to further the experiment and data gathering, I don’t know. Whatever the reason is lost on me. Junior school was very difficult because the parts I missed, which I quickly learned were mission critical, were the social rules and behavior. These social skills are critical for success in junior school, on par with or even more important than the learning skills and I found them incredibly challenging. It didn’t take long for me to realize I was basically a social pariah. No one wanted anything to do with me. I was seen as awkward and always on the wrong side of social norms. I contacted the leaders back home and was told this is the way it is, that I would just have to figure it out, I was attaining valuable information that would aid in future missions. I was, however, able to make one alliance with a female human my gestational age and begin what the earth people, call a friendship. It was very pleasing to have someone to talk to and to not be alone all the time.
Junior school lasted two long years. I learned a lot and picked up several social rules. Such as, it’s better to be quiet and not blurt out whatever is in your head. Silence is always the best. I learned about this thing called “being popular”, where a lot of people like you, and I quickly realized I was not popular, and most likely would never be. My human-form didn’t conform to social norms of what was expected and neither did my behavior.
After junior school, there was more school. I kept thinking, “Wow, it certainly takes a very long time for these earthlings to become educated.” Back home, we are programmed very quickly before we are sent for the gestational phase of our mission. Although, in my case, I wasn’t fully prepared (lacking social skills). If I thought social interactions were critical in junior school, they ratcheted up by a million in high school. While I was still doing well with the learning part, I decided to really focus on my social skills, or lack thereof. So, I came up with a plan to just be my “own person”. March to my own beat, regardless of the consequences. I anticipated I would gain more information this way rather than trying to fit in with the crowd and failing miserably.
I began by dressing however I felt, like I did not follow conventional wisdom. I wore dresses with what they call “long johns”. Not sure why, I don’t know who “John” is. I wore my paternal human’s flannel shirts. I fully embraced what was called the “grunge” look. I really liked the music as well. This was absolutely against the grain of the inner-city school where I went. I basically stuck out like a “sore thumb,” as the humans say. I was also breaking social norms. I was eating lunch by myself, a regular occurrence, when two members of the football team (a human sport that was very popular at this school) told me to move, that it was their table. I told them no, their name wasn’t on the table. For the rest of lunch, they proceeded to throw food at me. As time went on, I was given the title of “feminist”. I had to look it up as it was an unfamiliar word. According to the dictionary, it means, “advocating women have equal rights to those of men.” I believe this is true, especially since I found myself at this time arguing a lot against what I heard was “the establishment.” I was pleased with myself for learning these very interesting human concepts and enacting them. On another positive note, I still had the same friend from junior school, so I wasn’t totally alone, and I occasionally ate lunch with her and her friends.
After high school, I continued my education. I figured, “why not?” I was given the opportunity and learned more mission critical information. After this “higher education,” I entered what the humans called “the work force.” I was completing the “normal” trajectory for an adult human. The one area where I was deficient was dating/romance. This was not for lack of trying. I tried dating a few times and it was always a disaster. My anxiety (I’ve learned this is a human emotion, where one is in a state caused by fear or distress) increased during these interactions. This “anxiety” was a huge deterrent to my dating experiments.
To add insult to injury, those sneaky programmers from my home world, in addition to my social ineptitude, also added the bonus of being gay (meaning, when a human likes another human of the same gender). Of course, at the time, I didn’t know what gay was. I only knew that I liked girls and when I looked at a pretty girl, I got butterflies. After “Googling” it, I discovered about being gay. Once I began to meet other gay people, I felt better socially, but my dating life still didn’t improve. Everyone liked me but just wanted to be friends.
I took some time to really ponder my existence and purpose on this planet, after nearly twenty-five years. I attained a wealth of intel never before collected regarding the social and romantic habits of earthlings. By all accounts, I was very successful. The leaders were quite pleased with my progress but, as I felt so lonely, their praise did little to encourage me.
Eventually, I gave up looking for someone that could be a pair-bond and resigned myself to the fact I would be alone until the leaders determined my mission was complete. It was not long before, as the humans say, “fate stepped into intervene,” and I bumped into a human woman. She was bundled up in a heavy winter coat and winter hat. I could only see her eyes and smile. I knew instantly that she was my pair-bond. The problem was I had no idea how to begin the process to become pair-bonded. After doing research and talking to the friends I eventually made, I had a plan. I began talking to her and realized that we had a lot in common. After a bit, we decided to go on a date (an official meeting with someone you like romantically) for coffee. Surprisingly, we talked for hours! We got along, as the humans say, “famously.” We began spending more and more time together and eventually began living together. Again, a skill I had to research and talk to my friends about. I talked to the leaders and admonished them for the lack of preparation. I was told they never thought I would get this far, that no other sentient had been this successful.
Eventually, we decided to officially pair-bond in a ceremony humans call a wedding and enter what’s called a marriage. It has been so wonderful. We have been in this pair-bond for seventeen years. At times it has not been easy. But we talk through things, and I think we are both learning as we go along.
I have been here on Earth for nearly fifty years. I have experienced a wide range of human emotions and experiences. I believe the leaders are both pleased and impressed with my operation so far. I have overcome medical and social difficulties. I believe I am living a well-rounded life as an “earthling.” I look forward to the opportunity to continue to build on the skills and experiences I gather here on earth for many more years.
About Jen D.
Jen lives in Massachusetts with her wife of seventeen years and their two cats. She has a degree in Philosophy and a Master of Divinity. They enjoy reading, writing and knitting. She is still nerdy and awkward and proudly embraces it.
