Agony Aunt Answers: Mummy Issues

Today on the column, I help three people with their mummy issues. Of the non-parental kind, of course. A couple trying to balance the household budget, a young man trying to work out exactly what his mother is doing at the local care home, and a mummy in dire need of extra supplies!

My GF (34F) and I(36M) split the costs for household items/groceries, and the cleaning supplies/TP are on my portion of the expense list.  My gf uses WAY TOO MUCH toilet paper and there's hardly any left for me to wrap myself once a week.  What do I do?

I assume you both use a wide range of household items/groceries. As in you both use whatever is on the other’s list, correct? As with every other couple I help, I’m going to tell you, you need to communicate with one another.

You need to be able to wrap yourself – it’s an extremely important part of your life and without the ability to do that, the consequences could be dire. Hopefully your girlfriend understands that. 

But it seems like there might be a bigger problem here in terms of how you split the bills. You both need to sit down and calculate exactly what you are both spending. I’m not going to suggest you pay 50/50 each. That might not be feasible if your pay isn’t the same. Instead, I would recommend you splitting the total cost of all bills, rather than one paying one section and the other paying for the rest.

If you earn 10% more, it seems fair for you to pay 60% of the total cost, and vice versa. But this has to be a discussion between the two of you. And with the total budget – and you do have to budget – you might be able to spend that little bit extra on TP. Don’t go flying in with accusations and demands. Discuss it calmly, work out what is best for you both. I doubt your GF is just throwing TP out the window, she must be using it for something, and unfortunately it may be that she can’t stop using that amount.

Another option is to start buying in bulk. See if you can get a good deal in doing that, and you might find you have more than enough for both your needs!

Whenever my mom sends me to the grocery store she has me pick up loads of toilet paper. She only asks whenever she goes to visit my grandmother and grandfather at the nursing home. I've been with her, but I never see what she does with it. I think she's wrapping the elders up to tuck them in and feel snug. What do you think?

It’s very possible your grandparents are, in fact, mummies. Has your mother demonstrated other behaviour that seems odd? Sometimes, mummies are created. With certain rituals performed close to the death of a person, these can create the monsters we know as mummies. If your grandparents died, your mother might have been so wrapped up (no pun intended, of course) in grief, she performed a ritual without any thought to the consequences. One consequence being the wraps, which must be changed and replaced often for the mummy to remain in their not living, not dead state.

The other possibility regarding mummies is that you actually come from a line of mummies! Have you experienced anything unnatural? A strange control over insects or the ability to change water into blood? If so, you might be a mummy yourself! If you find yourself waking in the middle of the night, arms outstretched, rising like a corpse woken from death, this could be another sign. It would also mean your mother is a mummy. Beyond her parenting. 

It's possible none of the elders are actually mummies, in which case your mother might be trying to turn them into such.

As these are all things which could directly affect you, my biggest suggestion would be to actually discuss this with your mother. You need to find out what is happening, how it can impact you, and ensure you are armed with the knowledge so you can carry forward! Good luck!

I am wondering what to do about the current dilemma of people hoarding necessary supplies in this global pandemic. As you well know, cleaning and hygiene products are still in short supply. I'm not sure what the hell I'm supposed to do about the latter. You see, for me, toilet paper is not just necessary for doing my business, but it's LITERALLY what I need to survive. Like, I'm a mummy for Ra's sake. What in Holy Tutankhamun am I supposed to wrap myself with now? Gauze doesn't work; unfortunately the mesh tends to merge with my rotting flesh and it really just is a hot mess. My dear elderly Ankhle Osiris, who is much older and wiser and been entombed much longer than I, has suggested we try sewing together some Kleenex, but that just seems inefficient. Got any crafty ideas?

We're having some serious Mummy Troubles due to the lack of TP, so as you read here, we're all ears. (For now, at least, until they rot and fall off completely. Sigh.)

Frightfully yours,

Seth

This is a very tricky situation. Hoarding is an inherently selfish gesture, and completely unnecessary at any time, let alone at the start of a global pandemic! Even more so when most places did seem to do a good job of keeping supply chains running and doing their best to keep shelves stacked. It’s also shows how some people fully believe their needs deserve more priority than others. So, firstly, don’t start hoarding yourselves. It won’t help matters.

Try to look online. Contact local businesses’, as you might be surprised at what they can do to help. Sewing together Kleenex would indeed be inefficient, but I’m afraid if you can’t get hold of toilet paper, you might need to indulge in some trial and error. 

Contact craft shops. They might have tissue paper you can use for the time-being. What about kitchen roll? It’s not the same as toilet roll, and it tends to be more rough, but perhaps you can use that as a temporary measure. Talk to neighbours – they might have some to spare, or be willing to travel to get some, especially if they are in need themselves and it seems quite dangerous for you or you Osiris to leave the house at the moment. Neighbourhood groups have also popped up, contact them! Once you reach out to the community, you’d be surprised at how many people are willing to help.

There we go, my lovelies. Hope that’s helped in your various predicaments. Remember, if you have any questions – whether they’re monster related, or more of a general supernatural problem – you can drop me an e-mail at broomhildavitch813@gmail.com.

Broomhilda often loses track of time, a problem with living for so long. But she is always willing to help others. She has a strict no bigots policy, and feels strongly that transphobes, homophobes, racists, sexists and other bigots deserve no help, however, and actually should have all the various curses placed over their heads. She is currently fed up of lovers of all kinds, and is spending some well deserved time looking after only herself, as well as dotting on her three-headed puppy, three-legged cat, and three-eyed dragon.